Last week on October 15th, many mamas were lighting candles in remembrance. That day has been designated as National Pregnancy Loss & Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I had a miscarriage soon after my first child was born. My loss was accompanied with some guilt too – finding out I was pregnant while having a newborn left me horrified. I quickly adjusted to the thought of my “Irish Twins” and was devastated when I miscarried. Then came the guilt – how could I have initially greeted this pregnancy with such little enthusiasm? Guilt and being a mama – a match made in hell.

Almost 10 years has passed since that time but there are two occasions when I am particularly reminded about it:

1) When I see my friend who had a similar due date. Her little girl will be turning nine-years-old next month. I should have someone turning nine next month.
2) When filling out the paperwork in subsequent pregnancies, you are required to record how many live births you have had, and also how many pregnancies. My numbers don’t match. I get shivers thinking about the mamas out there whose numbers REALLY don’t add up, and by a long shot. Just can’t imagine having to write down: pregnancies: 8 / live births: 0

I often think about the mamas who have lost full-term babies or babies during the first year of life. I wonder what happens when they are innocently asked “so, how many kids do you have?”

I think that must be a torturous question – the answer could either make you feel you are not acknowledging your lost child, or alternatively, you have to explain the painful experience to every stranger who is making small talk.

I had a teacher in high school who was raising two daughters, five years apart in age. She had lost her middle daughter, who was severely disabled, after several years of caring for her three girls. She often had people comment to her: “two kids, five years apart in age – what an easy way to do it!”

Little did they know.

I hope that this Day of Remembrance tells the world that mama is entitled to her grief – no matter what form it takes or how long it lasts, which is often a lifetime. So, on this day let us remember our losses. In some ways for many mamas, it is a day like no other – a day that we love and miss our children.

Since most parents are not particularly fond of whining, “you get what you get and you don’t get upset” is a common mantra in many households. It is most often heard immediately following annoying requests such as “but I wanted to sit in THAT chair” or “no, not the blue plate, the RED one!”

The adult version of “you get what you get” is when you have a baby. Not a lot of social engineering is involved so you can’t exactly order a baby of a particular gender or personality type. You can’t even count on baby being healthy so parents everywhere have to take what we get.

When my son was diagnosed with autism, I was pretty darn sad. I quickly realized that it was time to look myself in the mirror and scream the mantra. Being upset was not going to help me and it certainly was not going to contribute to my son’s development.

My SIL had to say the mantra to herself a few years ago upon discovering she was pregnant for the third time. She had two little boys already but being pregnant again was not the issue. Indeed, she had decided to quickly squeak in one more baby, preferably a girl, before changing her mind on going for a third child altogether. You can likely predict the ending – instead of that little girl, she got identical twin boys landing her in the glamorous position of being a mama to four boys under four.

Despite our reproductive plans going a bit pear-shaped, both my SIL and I have survived our adventures with laughs and a lot of love. Strangely, we’ve experienced some disapproval from those on the outside. While pregnant with the twins, my SIL had to listen to comments such as “oh, how awful!” when announcing she was having two more boys. People have expressed that I must be crazy to have more kids considering my risk of having another child with autism. I get that raising a kid with autism or having babies two at a time may not be on everyone’s “bucket list” of things to do before dying, but I can think of worse things.

So we grown-ups get what we get, and as you have probably figured out for yourself – getting upset is pretty much pointless. I can’t imagine a world without my boy and I can assure you that my SIL wouldn’t trade in “Thing One” and “Thing Two” for the most adorable girlie pink princess up for offer.

It is with great excitement that Julie Cole and “daddy-o” welcome their sixth beautiful child into this world, proving that six c-sections is possible!

It’s a boy!

Name Finian Aloysius Cole O’Keefe
Weight: 7lbs 6oz.

The sibling team of brothers Maginnis and Clancy, and sisters Posy, Spencer and Jessamy are delighted with their new brother!

And of course, everyone at Mabel’s Labels is thrilled to have a new little Mabel baby to spoil!

Big thanks to all who have followed this pregnancy with interest and care. It has been fun sharing it with you. Now, let the real games begin!!

Enjoy guest blogger, Katrina Carefoot for the next couple of weeks and Julie will be back on the blogging board very soon!