My "Number One Son" with his life-long buddy. They met at "Moms group" when they were a couple of weeks old.

Twelve years ago I gave birth to my first beautiful baby. When he was a few weeks old, I was invited by a local midwife to a neighbourhood centre to meet other women who had also just had their first babies. It was my introduction to the “moms group”.

Moms groups get mixed reviews. Some say that having a same-aged child in common is not enough to form a social relationship. Others report that these organizations are a breeding ground for competitiveness – whose kid is rolling over, who toilet trained first, which mom has already lost the baby weight…Sometimes people have different expectations around what the group will provide for them.

These are only things I have heard. From that first moms group and through the following years I’ve spent completely immersed in the mama community, I have never experienced these things. Instead, I have been supported by other moms who want nothing but my kids to flourish and succeed. They have been my cheerleaders, friends, confidants, reliable advice-givers and opinion sharers. We have laughed and cried together, us mamas.

There is one less mama to laugh and cry with now. One of the beautiful and talented mamas I met in my very first moms group passed away on Christmas Eve. I still picture her as I saw her that very first time – sitting peacefully at the neighbourhood centre before our first meeting, nursing her beautiful daughter, Harper, with a look of love and adoration in her eyes.

You share something special with the mamas you have travelled the whole journey with – those in that first moms group. These are the people you filled the days with – walking the neighbourhood together with your strollers, chatting as you pushed toddlers on the swing at the park, taking care of each other’s kids when a sibling arrived. For over a decade we have watched each other’s children transform from newborns to pre-teens.

Of course, I can’t stop thinking about my friend’s now motherless children and what that will mean for the rest of their lives, but this passing has been a reminder to me of how special our mama relationships are. I am thankful that she was a part of my amazing introduction to the mama community, a community that will never be the same without her.

Her loss also made me think about moms groups and the very different experiences we all have. What does “moms group” mean to you? What was your experience?

Maintaining friendships when you are a mama can be a tricky business. Often already juggling a hectic home life, work and children, while also trying to carve out a bit of time with Daddy-o, can leave little room for your girlfriends.

The way I see it, there are a few friendship fizzling high risk situations:

1) You become a mama: Many report that their friendships with single/childless girlfriends suffer. Mama feels they don’t understand why she doesn’t want to ditch the kid to go dancing every weekend. This has not actually been my experience. My single friends have shown extreme interest and understanding when it comes to my kids. And I am equally keen to hear their Sex in the City lifestyle stories.

2) You have a child with a disability: Hate to say it, but mamas of kids with disabilities get ditched. I’ll explain why it happens in the autism world: you have a friend who brings her 3-year-old over for weekly playdates. Her kid can’t talk, has meltdowns for “no reason”, maybe he’s a bit aggressive, doesn’t relate to the other kids there and his behaviour is disruptive. The mama host thinks “Hmmm…this playdate would go much more smoothly if that kid with the problems doesn’t come”. The playdate invitations stop.

3) You constantly bail on plans: When you regularly drop out of social plans at the last minute, eventually your friends will stop inviting you. I generally don’t accept invitations in the first place because of my bailing stats. But, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate receiving a low pressure “turn up if you can swing it” invitation. It makes me feel that I have not been forgotten, and also that there is some understanding about my situation.

4) You become a Mama of Many: Right around the birth of your fourth child, families you normally socialize with suddenly stop inviting you over. Who can blame them – your family takes up their whole house.

How have your friendships survived? What are the biggest friendship hurdles you’ve encountered in your mama life? Are you still close with the friends you had pre-kids, or did you shake it up socially when you hit the mama scene?

Within the last month, three of my six kids have had birthdays. It’s a very lean month in our household – topping up RESPs along with throwing a few birthday parties can take its toll on anyone’s budget.

In addition to not liking birthdays’ financial implications, I think birthday parties are a royal pain. I know many party mamas out there who relish in planning extravagant events, particularly their children’s parties. Indeed, I have one friend who says one of the things she loves most about being a mother is throwing birthday parties. That mama is not me. Birthday parties make the bottom of my list of things I love about being a mama. Yes, I like my kids to have fun and enjoy their special day, but all the hoopla around it doesn’t float my boat.

So when I throw a party, it’s all about keeping it simple. I thought it would be fun to compare some of my tips and strategies with those of my friend, Janine who is mama party planner extraordinaire. In September, she is well in planning mode for a January birthday. All the neighbourhood kids have fingers crossed that their name makes the list. In short, Janine generally makes me look like a complete slacker.

The rules according to me, the “Keep It Simple Mom”:

- Have a no birthday present policy.
- Have a no loot bag policy.
- Plan your parties at a time that will ensure you do not have to prepare a meal for little guests.
- Don’t over-engineer the thing – kids are old pros at figuring out how to have fun.
- Sure have a theme, but don’t bother obsessing. You don’t want to have to drive around to 10 different stores just to get the napkins that match the plates.
- Don’t have it in your house. Way too much cleaning is involved then – you’ll end up cleaning before AND after the party.

The rules according to Janine, “Keener Perfectionist Mom”:

- EVERYTHING needs to be matchy matchy – pick a theme and colour scheme and stick with it: invitations, decorations, balloons, utensils, EVERYTHING!
- Make it an event – seal invitations with a stamp monogram and mail them because kids love getting mail.
- Don’t scrimp on the cake – if nothing else is done right, be sure that you have a fabulous cake (which of course corresponds to the party theme!)
- Mind your present etiquette. If opening at party, tape a half circle in front of birthday child, have 2 chairs (one for birthday child, one for gift giver). Read card together and open gift. Take a picture of birthday child with gift and gift giver and send as a “thank you” after the party.

Janine also agrees that the birthday present thing can get a bit much and suggests donations in lieu of gifts, and also checking out www.echoage.com

There you have it – what kind of party planner are you? Apply the rules that most suit you and I’m pretty sure your kid will have a great party that even mama will enjoy.

This was reinforced last week when we held the Mabel’s Labels Staff and Family Summer Sizzler in my backyard. I gotta say, life is pretty good if you are a kid hanging out in my backyard. We keep things pretty kid focused around here so there is no shortage of activities – we have a heated swimming pool, trampoline, sand pit, swing set, and bikes and riding toys galore. To top it off, our house backs on to a huge park that is easily accessed by a gate in our back fence. Last Thursday, the Mabel team (and kiddos) rocked up and had a taste of my life in the suburbs.

Many years ago upon arriving to Canada, my grandparents co-founded a local Irish Club. Every year there was an annual picnic that was jam-packed with activities like running races and relay games. We enjoyed the picnic so much that it became a highlight of the summer.

In the spirit of the old Irish Club picnics, I put together an agenda of cheesy games and races. On top of doing the usual three-legged race and egg-toss, I added a few new ones to the mix that were nothing short of hilarious!

1) The Mommy Call:
You sit all the kids in their sibling groups at the finish line. The mamas get blind-folded at the start line. The kids then all start screaming “MOM! MOM!” and the first mama to find her kiddos is declared the winner.

2) The Daddy Piggy Back:
This activity requires dad to carry all of his children on his back while racing to the finish line. If a child falls off, dad is not allowed to move until child is back on. Clearly, the daddy-o in our family was at a disadvantage, but that didn’t stop him from giving it a good go. I pulled some rank and only allowed him to carry four of them at once – the thought of them all falling and landing on the baby was really too much for one mama to handle.

So maybe life in the suburbs is not so bad. Just imagine trying to pull off some of this fun elsewhere – dads stumbling through the city streets, loaded down with kids and tripping over the latte-sipping city folk in sidewalk cafes. Yep, I think for now this is right where we belong.

We asked BlogHer ’09 attendees who they wished could have been there with them at the event. The winner will receive an all expenses paid trip to for BlogHer ’10 in New York City and so will the blogger they wished was there.

Thank you to everyone who recorded a video and shared it with us. It was a blast meeting everyone and watching your fantastic entries. Here are the top ten finalists!

Leticia from Tech Savvy Mama wishes that Jessica from A Parent in Silver Springs was at BlogHer’09
Amanda from High Impact Mom wishes that Dawn from Painter Mommy was at BlogHer’09

Kim from Prairie Mama wishes that Lara from Better in Bulk was at BlogHer’09
Donna from Spuddy Buddy wishes that Shannon from Everyday Stranger was at BlogHer’09

Heather from The Extraordinary Ordinary wishes that Debbie from Suburb Sanity was at BlogHer’09

Kadi from Womb at the Insane wishes that Greg from Womb to Bloom was at BlogHer’09

Colleen from Fresh Vintage wishes that her Mom from BoggleMom was at BlogHer’09

Trisha from Sweet’n'Sassy Girls wishes that Tiffany from Babes and Kids was at BlogHer’09

Monica from Mommy Brain Reports wishes that Claire from Moms Most Wanted was at BlogHer’09

Amy from Crunchy Domestic Godess wishes that Heather from A Mama’s Blog was at BlogHer’09

Last weekend I had a speaking engagement at the Ontario Camping Association spring training session. One of my Mabel colleagues joined me. On the drive home from Toronto, she found herself bombarded with questions. You see, she is an early thirty-something single who has an apartment, is an artist, dates cute boys, has friends, and is completely accountable to herself. I had forgotten what a woman does when she doesn’t have to go home and fix the disasters that occurred in her absence. I was hungry to be reminded. So the question period began:
“what are you doing this afternoon? Oh, you might go to the park and read? What will you read…..then you might go shopping? Where do you shop? What will you buy? What is cool to wear this spring? Do you have plans for this Saturday night? Are you going out with a cute boy? Will you kiss him? Will you want him to call you tomorrow?”

Needless to say, my kind Mabel friend looked at me like I’m the idiot I so clearly am. She explained that Sex in the City is largely fictional and that just because you have the opportunity to go out all the time, you don’t actually do it. She gently reminded me to go home and enjoy my afternoon at the park, to deal with the mess, and to give the kids a cuddle from her.

So in my best Carrie Bradshaw column impersonation:

“In a world of modern women debating whether they’d rather have husbands or hot dates, Blahniks or babies, parties or playdates, manicures or mini-vans, has the time come for us all to recognize that each of us has a beautiful lawn where the grass is indeed a lovely shade of green?”

Momma Talk

My ninety-two-year-old grandmother has given birth to a lot of babies. She had babies in the 1930s, 40s, 50s, and 60s. She was collecting the baby bonus and old-age pension at the same time. Grandma is as wise as she is old, so when she talks, this humble creator of five babies drops everything and listens.

Grandma thinks women should not gather and talk about their kids. At first I found this to be a very strange perspective. I have five small kids and can turn every conversation into a discussion around their accomplishments, challenges, teachers, activities, poops, pukes, and sleeping patterns. What more is there going on in my life? If not for kiddie-gab, is there much else I can say?

That is precisely her point. I once returned from a weekend away with my longtime girlfriends. You know the kind of gals I’m talking about — the ones who have been around since the beginning of time. They were there holding your hair back while you puked up the peach schnapps you guzzled in the school parking lot before the dance. They remember when you got your driver’s license, cried with you that first time your heart was broken, and would share your single dorm room bed during a weekend visit. These are the gals who were your bridesmaids and actually knew what you were like before you were someone’s momma.

The weekend was geared to be a fantastic catch-up with the old gang and Grandma gave me strict instructions to report back to her with all the gossip and antics the weekend held. However, come Monday morning, the two of us sat with our cups of tea and I delivered a shockingly boring report. I walked away from that weekend knowing that Little Johnny was an exceptional reader and Little Janey is the best player on her soccer team, but didn’t know much else.

Lamenting this, Grandma perked-up and told me it was time to implement “The Rule.”

As a young mother, Grandma occasionally gathered with a group of women. It was one of the very rare occasions they did not have their children with them. She set a rule for the group. No one was permitted to even whisper her child’s name. “The Rule” was complied with and these women enjoyed many years of social gatherings, discussing every topic imaginable — except their kids.

The next year came quickly and our annual weekend together was around the corner. The e-mails started flying — deciding who was driving, who was cooking, who was bringing the wine! Now was the time to suggest “The Rule,” but I was concerned with how it would be received. I was telling people I didn’t want to hear about their kids — the bonus was they didn’t have to hear about mine!

The two childless friends immediately responded to me. I had been elevated to hero status in their eyes. The other e-mails started trickling in. Everyone agreed that it was time for “The Rule” to be passed onto our generation.

No one will dispute that your children are all consuming and have a way of taking over your entire existence. Even my grandmother would readily agree. I once heard someone say having a child is like watching your heart walk around outside of your body. True enough, but every once in a while you need to step back and find that little piece of yourself that sometimes gets lost in the school meetings, hockey practices, and music lesson drop-offs. For this busy momma, it is officially one weekend a year, but I try not to let the lesson of “The Rule” stray too far.

I visited my aunt and new baby cousin this weekend. Baby Syd is very cute and very sweet, but also VERY attached to her mama. At 9 months, she won’t let anyone else hold her, feed her, cuddle her, or look at her! Mama took a few hours off and left Syd with Daddy & Grandma. She admitted that having Syd attached to her 24/7 was getting a little old. She hasn’t been out without her, she misses her friends, she misses her freedom… The moment the words left her lips she was overwhelmed with guilt! Wished she could take the words back… I SO recognized that guilt. That’s the guilt I’m talking about. That’s the guilt they don’t tell you about. It’s OK, I tried to tell her. It’ll get better, I tried to tell her. And that is all true – those feelings will pass. But the one thing that won’t change is that she’ll always feel guilt about every decision she makes and every negative thought she has! Just part of the package, forever & ever.

All of these instincts & common expereiences are hard-wired for a reason, right? What’s the guilt about? Maybe that’s what makes us over-analyse all of our decisions. Maybe that’s why it’s there.