Rather than "shush" my kid, I just throw another plug in his gob

I’m a little bit nosey and don’t pretend otherwise. On my recent travels to a conference, I injected myself into a couple of situations that were none of my business. I just couldn’t help it.

The first was on my way to the conference. Across the aisle from me sat a mother and her surfer dude teenaged son. He was polite, respectful, handsome – he pretty much had all the qualities I hope my kids have as teenagers. He also happened to be living with Down Syndrome. At one point he was making a few noises. I didn’t take much notice because I’m surrounded by noisy people all the time. Then, from somewhere nearby a random passenger let out the loudest, rudest SHUSH I’ve ever heard. I was angry and determined to find the culprit. I wanted to give the SHUSHER a piece of my mind. All my investigations were pointless – the SHUSHER would not come forward and admit to the SHUSHING.

On the way home came Nosey Parker incident #2. A young dad was sitting behind me and having a cell phone conversation with the mother of his baby. They were discussing her plans for the next day. It sounded like she had a fun event to attend with a group of friends. The dad expressed a bit of concern about taking care of the baby because he was exhausted from his work travels. He did the right thing – told her her to carry on with her plans but that he would find a babysitter for a couple of hours to get some rest before enjoying the rest of the day with his kid. Their phone call ended and a few quick calls to babysitters from the tarmac were made and he had it all sorted out. Happily, he called his baby mama back and explained that all was organized and that he was thrilled that she would have a well deserved day out with her friends. She must have announced that she decided to cancel the plans because he spent the next few minutes saying things like “but you deserve to go out” and “it’s not a hassle at all, I’m looking forward to having the day with my daughter”. Despite begging her to go, she could not be convinced. When he got off the phone, I heard a huge sigh of defeat and frustration.

Clearly, I know nothing about them, their relationship or how they share parental responsibilities. However, I couldn’t stop myself from turning around, admitting to eavesdropping and congratulating him on trying so hard to make it work – for wanting his partner to have a day out with her friends. Sure, I risked having him tell me to mind my own business but it was worth it when I looked at his exhausted big brown eyes and heard his whisper: “Thank you so much”.

It’s tough to know when to inject ourselves into a conversation or situation that we’re not directly involved in. For me, often my gut responds before my brain has the chance to make a decision. The greatest risk for the Nosey Parker is humiliation. For those of us who have experienced enough of that already, it’s not a risk that gets a whole lot of consideration.

Every so often we bark an order at a kid and moments later, regret it. Why do we regret it? Because it was said with no forethought of what a pain it would be to follow through.  The alternative to following through is unbearable – parents transforming into white noise machines repeatedly saying annoying things like:

“I’m giving you ONE more chance”, or:

“OK, now I’ll give you to the count of three”, or even better:

“Well, OK, I’ll let you get away with it this time but this is your last chance”.

I’m not the threatening type (or, I try not to be). Rather than saying “You need to come to the table or else…..(insert irrational consequence here)”, I simply say “You need to come to the table” and then respond to child’s action, or lack of action.

Two occasions come to mind where I ended up putting myself in fairly awkward positions because of a demand or request I put on a kiddo. Interestingly, both occasions have been with the same child.

1)      I ordered child out of swimming pool. Child responded by swimming to middle of pool, flashing a cheeky smile and explaining how exiting the pool was never going to happen.  I entered pool, fully clothed, and dragged said child out of pool. She remained out of pool – for several days – while all the other children enjoyed their summer swims. A friend was over with her kids on the day of the incident and experienced complete shock that I went in the pool fully clothed to get the kid. We brainstormed alternatives and came up empty. The lesson I learned –  it might be worth having a bathing suit on under my clothes at all times in the summer.

2)      Same delightful child was acting like a brat during a soccer game when she was about 6 years old. I kept waiting for the coach to intervene and tell her to smarten up, share the ball, etc. Watching her act out and get away with it sent me into a near rage. Before long, I got the shakes and couldn’t take it any longer. I got up out of my lawn chair, stormed across the soccer field, causing the game to stop, threw my little delinquent over my shoulder, told the coach to get a sub, and hauled my kid off the field. As I walked back to my lawn chair, I could see parents’ mouths hanging open in shock. My daughter was horrified, and the coach didn’t know what to make of me.  Interestingly, I didn’t feel a bit embarrassed about hauling her off the field. It was far more agitating watching her get away with her behaviour.

My experience has been that following through can be extremely painful. The only thing I find more painful, though, is not following through.

As a mom of three I am always looking for ways to simplify life with the kids. One way I do that is by color coding. Each child gets their own color and it helps me visually separate each child’s things and activities. My oldest son gets blue, the youngest gets green and of course my daughter gets pink! When I received my very first package of Mabel’s Labels I realized just how easy this color coding would be now! Not only is the child’s name on the label but from afar you can see the color and determine what goes with each child.

Over a year ago, I put labels on my kid’s cups so we can reuse them during the day. This helps tremendously when they are home all day during the summer! And the same labels I originally put on are still going strong!

It just so happens that the socks we buy for our kids have their same “color code” threaded in the toes. This makes sorting laundry a breeze!

When I set up our command central I wanted a place to have the kids school papers that needed attention to be front and center. I hung up a clipboard for each child, in blue, green and pink topped off with a label of course!

Another way you could color code is by hanging your child’s clothes on different color hangers. This could help if their clothing is close in size and hard to tell apart.

Do you use color coding around the home? If so, do you have anything to add to the list?

Last week’s topic on children’s clothes got me thinking about all of those things we save for our kids. Some stuff they might care less about one day but we hold on tight to them now. As an organizer I have seen a few interesting items kept from birth. I’ll spare you form the details here!
I have a small box for each of my children that I will put things into. I kept their first pair of shoes, the blanket from the hospital and a few other keepsakes along the way. The box more or less serves as a landing place and I weed through it once every other year or so to just revisit the idea of holding onto that item. Sometimes we think the idea is great but as time goes by we realize some of this stuff doesn’t really hold much of a significance. First pacifier? I think I’ll let that one go.

My great grandmother crocheted a few blankets for me before I was born. My mother tucked them neatly into the cedar chest and they hardly ever saw the light of day. Now that my daughter plays with dolls I passed these blankets on to her to enjoy. I just never understood keeping something that you cared for out of sight and not in use.  So what, they might get messed up but at least they were loved.

What is the most interesting thing you have seen someone keep? Have you received mementos from your childhood and wondered why your parents chose to hold on to certain things? What are you holding onto for your children?

Sometimes my kids may ask for a bowl of snow for dinner. And when they do, they may just get it.

That is what I call the dinner hour at my house – feeding time at the zoo. It’s not news – families that eat together regularly are better and the rest of us suck. Time Magazine reports that the more often families eat together, the less likely kids are to smoke, drink, do drugs, get depressed, develop eating disorders and consider suicide. They have a better chance of doing well in school, delaying having sex, eating their vegetables, learning big words and knowing which fork to use.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that all sounds fine, and although I want my kids to learn big words, there are a few reasons gathering around the dinner table only happens on weekends for our family.

Practical:
My biggies get home from school at 3:00pm absolutely “starving” and Daddy-o doesn’t get home from work until 7:00pm. I refuse to spend four hours listening to kids complain about being hungry. I am also not willing to shove snacks in their gobs in an effort to hold them over until the adults are ready to eat. I prefer to take advantage of that after-school appetite and fill their bellies with a healthy dinner at that time. It sets them up with lots of energy for their evening sports or outdoor play. Sure, they get hungry again later, at which time I’ll happily serve up toast, cereal, fruit or veggies as an evening snack.

Emotional:
So is our family falling apart? Have we become a huge non-communicating mess? Hardly. There are many other times in the day when parents and families can connect that don’t involve food and sitting. Growing up, I had dinner with my family every single night. Did I enjoy it? Not really. You see, for a kid who didn’t like food, the dinner table often represented a place of conflict. My mom was rightly frustrated that she spent time preparing beautiful meals only to have me and my sisters turn our noses up at them. My dad would inevitably get grumpy with us, falling into those ridiculous parenting platitudes like “you’re not leaving the table until….” And I can assure you, not every child will eat “eventually”. I found hunger pain more appealing than many foods.

Meaningful conversation didn’t always happen around our table, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. My memories credit family walks and bedtime tuck-ins as those special moments and important times.

Parenting is a tough gig these days. There are a lot of studies and research directing us. While I think it’s important to consider the information that we are bombarded with, I like to integrate that with my experiences, some common sense, and the knowledge that I’m the one best fit to make the decisions for my family. The dinner table is not going to make or break my family. I’m quite capable of doing that all on my own, thank you. Check back with me in a few years though – if no one is using three syllable words, I may reconsider.