My 3 year old has started insisting on doing everything himself.  It’s great that he’s learning some new skills on his own, but how can I get things moving a little more quickly?

Preschoolers are fickle creatures!  It wasn’t long ago he was regressing to diapers and bottles when the new baby arrived, and now suddenly he has decided he’s a big boy.  You are proud of him for taking on the challenges of growing up, but it’s the 3rd time this month that your morning meeting has been wrapping up at the office and you’re still waiting for your child to hobble out of his bedroom with his shirt on backwards and two feet in the same pant leg.

Decide what’s non-negotiable:  Keep a few hard rules, either for safety or convenience. (“You must hold a grown-up’s hand when crossing the street.”  “Grown-ups pour milk and juice but kids can pour water.”)  Your child will learn to build his independent tasks around these rules if he knows they are not up for discussion.

Get it out of his system (or at least try!):  Offer as many independent tasks as you can when the schedule is not so packed.  If you’re lucky, he will feel he’s had enough opportunities to do things his own way and be less resistant when a time crunch has Mom taking charge.

Nanny Carrie’s Tip: Play it up!  You’d be surprised how many time-consuming battles you can eliminate by playing up the independence.  Try:
-”When you have finished your dinner, can you please clear your plate and turn on the dishwasher all by yourself?”
-”Can you go upstairs and choose your favourite pyjamas and fill your glass of water at the sink?”
You may find he will breeze through these otherwise challenging times because he’s excited to have a project of his own.

Long before my kids were born, whenever people heard I was a nanny, often they would say “Oh, you’ll be all set when you have your own kids. You’ll know what to expect.” I always suspected that this wasn’t entirely true. After all, I’d never sat in an ER with a sick infant at 2:00am, I didn’t stress about paying for college, and not one of my job descriptions ever included breastfeeding. So while I may have entered parenthood with a certain smug confidence in some of my abilities, I think we can all agree that there are a few parenting surprises that you can’t prepare for.

Exhibit A: The First Day of Preschool

I’ve spent years prying tearful toddlers out of the arms of anxious parents, shooing them out the door and assuring them everything would be fine. And you know what? It always was fine. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of children who cried for more than 10 minutes. But now I’m a mom, and suddenly these rules don’t apply to me. I took my boy to his first day of preschool, looked at his teacher, giving the same calm, reassuring expression I’ve given so many times as he clung to my leg begging me not to leave, and was overcome with the urge to clutch him to my chest and bolt for the nearest homeschooling supply store.

But we stuck it out. My son loves preschool, and it only took me two weeks to stop welling up as I got back into the car without him. It turns out that maybe the same rules do apply to me after all. So I guess I’m saying– to all the parents who trusted me with their kids as they reluctantly left the house–Thank you. I get it now.

How should I start incorporating chores into my child’s routine? I like the idea that he should have some responsibilities but I’m not sure how much to expect from him?

Start ‘em young: We all love the phase when toddlers beg to help with dusting and vacuuming (alas, they seem to outgrow it quickly!). Maximize this phase by suggesting new tasks they can help with. Try getting them to help set the table, put (plastic!) dishes in the sink, or pull the recycle bin down the driveway to the curb. Yes, it would be 5 times faster if you did it yourself, but at this age it’s more about the lesson than the extra set of hands.

Change it up: Rather than always having the same tasks, ‘Bobby mows the lawn,’ ‘Betsy walks the dog,’ change it from week to week so everybody gets a chance to do something different. Do keep some tasks part of the regular schedule though– garbage that is only taken out once a month and dishes that are only cleared on Thursdays aren’t going to be very helpful to anybody!

Don’t make it about you: Chores shouldn’t be viewed as a favour to mom. Incorporate them into the day along with teeth-brushing and getting dressed. If kids think they’re helping out just to make you happy, then they hold all the cards if they decide to engage you in a power struggle.

Nanny Carrie’s Tip: Avoid attaching rewards to completed chores. If allowance is hinged on every washed dish and made bed, kids may decide they’d rather skip out on the cash. However, this will be easier the younger you start. If you are starting chores with older kids for the first time, you may need a little incentive program to get the ball rolling!

Do your kids have chores/household responsibilities? How did you get them started?

I find myself repeating the same requests over and over to my son. Sometimes it feels like I’m talking to a wall. What can I do to improve the listening around here?

It can be frustrating when it seems like your child hasn’t heard anything you’ve said. Yet you know his ears work because all you have to do is call out “Who wants ice cream?” and all eyes are on you! Here are a couple of suggestions, as well as a few of the reasons behind selective listening.

Only ask once: This can be the toughest thing for mama to master because you find yourself absent-mindedly repeating the same question, and only when you’re 20 minutes late for work do you realize you’ve turned into a broken record of “Put your shoes on!” Commit 1 or 2 of your less hectic days to catching yourself on the first request and enforcing the follow-through.

Return the favour: Do your kids have to repeat themselves when they ask you for something? I know in my house sometimes it’s after the fifth “Mommy may I have a drink?” that I realize I’ve been zoned out cooking dinner/on a phone call/changing the baby and I haven’t even answered him. Hard as it can be in busy (and sometimes noisy!) households, try and model the same attentive listening that you are expecting of him.

Nanny Carrie’s Tip: Your child’s personality may affect how well they listen.

-Active/inattentive kids may thrive on multitasking, so the ol’ “Please look at me when I’m talking to you” might not work. Sometimes busy brains can handle lots of external stimulus so he may pay attention better if he can be doing something else at the same time.
-Shy/anxious kids on the other hand, may need a little focus. If your child is easily overwhelmed, then keeping eyes on Mom might help to shut out some of the stressors that can steal his focus.

Do you have challenges with having to repeat yourself? Is one age group more challenging than another? How do you manage selective listening in your house?

My boy and his best buddy. They’ve just learned how to ‘tell on’ each other and have been practicing—a lot!

My kids are always tattling on one another.  Even the youngest one has started giving me a play by play of their disagreements.  Should I intervene?  Or should I be letting them figure it out on their own?

The parallel play phase seems to end right around the time that verbal skills are really taking off.  And as they start interacting with other kids, whether they’re playing with siblings or with friends, at some point, inevitably somebody is going to get upset.  Then they have two choices, get into an argument with their playmate, or report it to the authorities.  And you, mama, are the sergeant on duty.

1) “What are you going to do about it?” I’ll never forget my 6th grade teacher.  This was her tagline.  Whatever issue you brought to her—problems with a classmate, a forgotten dayplanner or lost assignment, she’d look at you with a deadpan expression and say “What are you going to do about it?”  At the time it seemed harsh, but the theory was a good one.  Kids have more problem-solving skills than they realize, and sometimes they just need a grown-up to make them stop and work through the issue on their own.  Try putting the ball in their court with questions like “What do you think you should say to your friend?” and “How can you guys fix this so that you can keep playing together?”

2) Let them sort it out—the supervised way. If you say “I don’t want to hear it!  Go figure it out yourselves!” she may get discouraged and feel un-heard when she comes to you with a problem.  Instead of stone-walling (which can be tempting after the millionth “He’s in my room!” “She touched my arm!”) let her know that you will keep an ear out in case the problem gets too big, but that you trust her to figure out the smaller issues without a grown-up having to come in and interrupt the fun.

Nanny Carrie Wants to Know:  How do you manage ‘tattling’ in your house?  Is it mostly among siblings or with friends?  Do you handle them differently?