My firstborn is a very cautious child.  At three, he sits at the top of the slide muttering ‘Brave! Brave! Brave!’ to himself before changing his mind and climbing back down the stairs.  I’ve never had to worry too much that he’s going to climb too high or run too fast.  Then my second came along and she’s a wild woman.  She climbs everything in sight and it’s not uncommon for me to find her standing on top of the toilet or making her way onto the kitchen table.  “Babyproof” has taken on a whole new unattainable meaning.

When I looked after other people’s children, I developed a heightened anxiety around bumps and bruises.  After all, the goal was to return them to their parents in roughly the same condition as I got them.  I often had my heart in my mouth as I watched kids on playgrounds, praying that these childhood rites of passage wouldn’t happen on my watch.

Now I’m faced with the challenge of finding a balance between letting my kids learn from experience, and doing what I can to avoid knocked out teeth and stitches.  I don’t panic over every cut and scrape, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t look at our favourite climbing tree in my parents’ front yard and wonder if I’ll ever loosen up enough to let my kids climb as high as we did.  I don’t think this is an area where anyone can give too much advice (though a dear friend of mine once said, “When you have nine children, sometimes its best not to even look!”).  There will be laid back parents and there will be cautious parents, and neither is right or wrong in my book.

So where do you fall on the scale?  Do you wish you were more laid back or more cautious?  Do you have a daredevil or does your child play it safe?

We were hanging out at our neighbour’s for a playdate this week and after maybe a dozen temper tantrums and “He took my…’s” I turned to my friend and said (loudly, over the deafening noise) “Well, this week’s blog post is going to be a quick one:  Don’t listen to me, because I clearly have no idea what I’m doing!”

I’m kidding, sort of.  But I think it raises a good point.  There is no quick-fix for behaviour challenges, and there is certainly no ‘one size fits all’ approach to parenting.  What works for my children may not work for everyone else’s, and what worked for my two year old doesn’t seem to be doing the trick as we blow out three candles this week.

I’m constantly on the hunt for new tips and tricks for managing different behaviour challenges, and trying to find the balance between trying a new approach and being consistent.  But I’m a stickler for a few things:

1) Manners.  No matter how horrendous your behaviour was on our playdate, you will say “Thank you for having me.”
2) No speaking badly about others.  Yes, he knocked down your tower, and no you don’t have to like it, but there will be no “So-and-so is not my friend anymore, I don’t like him.”  (This doesn’t apply to Mom and Dad though; I’m not naive enough to think I’ll get through all my parenting years without an “I don’t like you!”)
3) Nobody goes to bed angry.  No matter what kind of day we’ve had, it will end with a story and a cuddle–for as long as they’ll let me, anyway!

What are the hard and non-negotiable rules in your house?

My toddler has picked up a couple of choice phrases at daycare that drive me crazy!  How do I get him to stop saying them?

Whether your little ones have come home from daycare with a phrase you don’t especially like, or your older ones have been introduced to more ‘colourful’ words at school, the time will come when you need to figure out how to get these words out of your house (and preferably before Grandma and Grandpa come to visit!)

With the younger ones, it’s best to ignore these little surprise phrases completely.  If they’re coming home with things like “I hate….” or “That’s stupid,” let them know that you don’t understand those words and to try again.  Too late? Does your child already know he can get a rise out of you by saying “I’m a bad boy”?  Stop reacting to it and he’ll soon get bored.  (If you’re embarrassed, you can quietly mutter to the other playgroup moms that he picked up that little gem from the neighbour’s 10 year old cousin.)

Nanny Carrie’s Tip: With the older kids, make a game of it.  Establish which words are not acceptable and let them patrol each other.  If one child hears another using the forbidden word, he’s allowed to choose a chore for his sibling (and of course they’ll have fun assigning jobs for Mom and Dad if they break the rules as well!)

I know I have to say ‘No’ to my child when he misbehaves, but how can I make sure I’m getting in enough positive reinforcement?

Do the math:  The goal is always to praise a child more than you discipline them–but how much more?  Three?  Four times as much?  That means for every 10 corrections (“Don’t hit your brother!”  “Chew with your mouth closed!”) You’re trying to find 30-40 positive things to say!  It can be a pretty big goal to work towards, so look for all the little opportunities (“Thank you for putting your shoes away.”  “I like the way you’re speaking to your sister.”)

See positive reinforcement in action:  As a rule, I know if I’ve had to say “No” more than 3 times in 5 minutes then it is time to change my game.  When my kids are acting up the most, that’s when they need to hear the most praise from me.  But boy, can it be hard to find something positive to say in the middle of a temper tantrum!  Try digging up some old examples:  “Remember yesterday when you did all your chores without being asked and then you got a sticker?  That was awesome, wasn’t it?  I was so proud of you!”

Nanny Carrie’s Tip: Do away with apologies.  Instead of asking your child to say “I’m sorry for hitting,” or “I won’t use bad words anymore,” get them to focus on the positive.  “Next time I’ll be more gentle,” or “I’m going to use my best manners.”  It gives them something constructive to work towards instead of focusing on what they did wrong.

At what age should I expect my child to dress independently for outdoor play?  Even as an adult I find winter wear bulky and awkward.  How can I expect my child to figure it out?

I was chatting with a teacher friend the other day and she said, “Forget chocolates and coffee shop gift cards, the best gift you can give your child’s teacher is to teach them to put on their own snow suits!”  Apparently this ranks pretty high when you have twenty 5 year olds to get ready for recess!

-You have to start somewhere.  Before tackling bulky snowsuits, give them something that’s easy to master to build up their confidence.  Pyjama pants and track pants are the easiest place to start.  Put on the neck of shirts for them but let them figure out the arms on their own.  (Trying to do the neck independently can create a bit of panic when heads get lost inside.)

-Practice independent dressing when there’s a good incentive.  She’s more likely to cooperate if she’s excited about going out to build a snowman rather than hurrying out for a trip to the grocery store.

Nanny Carrie’s Tip: The old flip the coat over the head trick works like a charm.  But for some reason it works best when they see other kids doing it.  Get playdate buddies and pre-school friends to teach them by example.

I love the holidays.  The whole of December is one big party that tapers slowly between Christmas and New Years.  Then, with any luck, we can get the kids tucked away in bed right around the time our English cousins are ringing in the New Year and collapse in front of a movie or two, until Auld Lang Syne reassures us that life is about to return to normal.  Adventurous? Notsomuch.

I’m a big believer in routine.  The holidays definitely throw our schedule for a loop and it always gets me wondering, “Do I wish I had those kids that go with the flow and are happy to pass out on a friend’s sofa somewhere around 10pm?” While I don’t mind throwing caution to the wind for special occasions, the answer is still “No.”  Sure we might have to excuse ourselves from Thanksgiving dinner before the meltdowns start, and we miss the entertaining conversation that springs from Aunt Jane having one glass too many, but I like our routine.  We roll with it when we can, but if we have to call it a night at 7, I know there are at least 340 days of the year when I’m glad the kids have a predictable schedule.

Nanny Carrie’s Tips
1) If your schedule is all over the map, start with one or two routines and work the rest of your day around it.  (ie. Bathtime always starts at 7pm.  Or, always plan to be home for afternoon naps.)
2) Expect the unexpected.  Throw some jammies in the car for family gatherings that run later than planned.  That way you can get everybody ready for bed before the long drive home and save a battle with overtired little ones.  (Don’t forget the nighttime diapers for bedwetters!  Disassembling wet carseats for washing in the dead of winter is not fun.)
3) Late dinner at a restaurant?  Pack a lunch bag with some healthy snacks for the kids to eat while you wait for your order.  (Hint: This is a great time to break out the fruits and veggies that they’re more likely to eat when they’re bored and starving.  Then you can cross mama-guilt off your list when the rest of their dinner consists of french fries and ice cream sundaes!)

Do you prefer a structured day, or a more flexible schedule?  What works best for you?

My Child has developed a fear of the dark and worrying about monsters.  How can I help him get over these fears?

This is a tricky one!  It can be hard to tell where some of these fears come from, and you never know which child is going to be scared of which fairytale character.  I’m actually a little surprised that more kids aren’t terrified at the prospect of a strange man in red coming into the house through the chimney in the middle of the night!

There is no guarantee that you will be able to eliminate night time fears entirely.  After all, most of us adults still get a little anxious when things go bump in the night.  It might be tempting to create ‘monster spray’ for your child’s room, or to let the family dog sleep nearby to ward off scary night time creatures, but this just confirms for your child that you believe there is something to be afraid of.  Acknowledge their anxieties, but make sure your child understands that you do not believe there is anything to be worried about.

Nanny Carrie’s Tip:  Comfort objects are okay—in fact they’re a great idea.  Encourage him to find something that soothes him and don’t worry too much right how about him taking his ‘blankie’ to Frosh Week.  CD players, noise machines and teddy bears can all help to quell night time anxieties.   If you can, find something that is portable if the kiddos are staying at Grandma’s, and make sure you have a back-up for lost ‘loveys’ (and take it from me, don’t get caught at 3:00am without a stash of replacement bulbs for the nightlight!)

I’m having a hard time making mealtimes into quality family time.  If I’m not rushing one out to sports lessons, I’m battling with the other about why we can’t eat peanut butter and jelly every night for dinner.  How can we make dinner a more pleasant experience?

Whether you’re emptying the dishwasher, feeding the baby, or packing hockey bags, it can be hard to get the family sitting down for a nice chat at the dinner table.  Throw in a couple of picky eaters who don’t like your lasagna, and dinner time can start to look more like a three ring circus.

Condense your quality time: I think we all get a bit stressed at the prospect of having to fit 7 relaxed family mealtimes into the week along with extra-curricular activities, healthy menus, and quality conversation.  If you’re finding this glowing image of family dining is being replaced with “Finish your meatloaf! Ballet started 10 minutes ago!” Don’t despair.  Focus on quality over quantity.  Start with Friday night pizza (even better if the kids help to make it!) and Sunday morning pancakes to sit down and enjoy each other’s company without the pressure of the time crunch and finicky eaters.

Sneak in the healthy stuff: The “vegetable bin” is a must around here.  Keep veggies and fruits (cantaloupe, pineapple, and others that can be prepped in advance) cut up and stored in a plastic container in the fridge.  If it can be tossed out on the counter for snacking during the afternoon, you can skip the battle over brussel sprouts when dinner time rolls around and keep mealtimes more positive.

Nanny Carrie’s Tip: Add some spice to the conversation.  The old “How was your day?” tends to get a pretty lacklustre response.  So get creative (and steer clear of any questions that can be answered with “Fine” or “Nothing.”)  Try:

-“Who is the funniest person you know?”

-“If you could be any book character, who would you choose?”

Got a good family conversation starter?  Share it here!

The above picture is my son and his best friend. They do their share of bickering but for the most part they have each other's back.

Bullying has been weighing heavily on my mind with the recent publicity it has received.  It’s not something I’ve ever had to walk through with the children I’ve looked after, and my own kiddies are still too young.  (Has anybody come up with a magic spell to keep them babies forever, by the way?)

What I do remember all too well, however, is being in 4^th grade and the parents and teachers all rubbing their hands together, so pleased with themselves for having ‘resolved’ the issue with a stern talking-to and an apology note, and meanwhile the recess and school bus challenges continued.

I’m interested to know how some of you seasoned mamas have tackled this issue.  Have you discussed it ahead of time with your kids?  What are their thoughts on bullying?  How have you worked to resolve issues for a ‘bullied’ kid?  Did it work?

Homework time is such a struggle in our house.  I want it to be a positive experience but it has become a real battle.  How can we make it run more smoothly?

There are a whole lot of factors that make homework time challenging.  The kids have had a long day, Mom has had a long day, and it is tough to pack it all in along with extracurriculars, dinner, and a half decent bedtime.  Your child may be prepping for a spelling quiz, but it can feel like Mom is the one who is really being put to the test.

Whose responsibility is it? Most kids just don’t have the maturity to take on the responsibility of homework by themselves, and that’s okay.  It often means that Mom has a more active role–double checking that books have been brought home and sitting with them through each painstaking math question, but by doing this you are modelling for your child that this is important stuff, and until they’re ready to care about it, that’s what you are there for.

Feed them: Most kids are starving after school and it’s hard to hear yourself think over the noise of a grumbling tummy.  One of my favourite memories is my mom saying “You get started on your homework while I make brownies.”  She would keep us company while we worked in the kitchen, and before we knew it, an hour of studying was done and the brownies were ready to eat.  (I’m pretty sure this trick worked right through University!)

Nanny Carrie’s Tip: Have a “Take 5 Jar” on the table for when wiggly kids start to lose their focus.  When the attention span unravels, let them choose one activity to blow off some steam before they get back to work.

-“Do 30 jumping jacks.”

-“Run up and down the stairs 3 times.”

-“Go outside and shoot 5 baskets.”

-“Play one hand of Go Fish with Mom.”

Do you breeze through homework time in your house?  Or is it more of a challenge?