My firstborn is a very cautious child.  At three, he sits at the top of the slide muttering ‘Brave! Brave! Brave!’ to himself before changing his mind and climbing back down the stairs.  I’ve never had to worry too much that he’s going to climb too high or run too fast.  Then my second came along and she’s a wild woman.  She climbs everything in sight and it’s not uncommon for me to find her standing on top of the toilet or making her way onto the kitchen table.  “Babyproof” has taken on a whole new unattainable meaning.

When I looked after other people’s children, I developed a heightened anxiety around bumps and bruises.  After all, the goal was to return them to their parents in roughly the same condition as I got them.  I often had my heart in my mouth as I watched kids on playgrounds, praying that these childhood rites of passage wouldn’t happen on my watch.

Now I’m faced with the challenge of finding a balance between letting my kids learn from experience, and doing what I can to avoid knocked out teeth and stitches.  I don’t panic over every cut and scrape, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t look at our favourite climbing tree in my parents’ front yard and wonder if I’ll ever loosen up enough to let my kids climb as high as we did.  I don’t think this is an area where anyone can give too much advice (though a dear friend of mine once said, “When you have nine children, sometimes its best not to even look!”).  There will be laid back parents and there will be cautious parents, and neither is right or wrong in my book.

So where do you fall on the scale?  Do you wish you were more laid back or more cautious?  Do you have a daredevil or does your child play it safe?

We were hanging out at our neighbour’s for a playdate this week and after maybe a dozen temper tantrums and “He took my…’s” I turned to my friend and said (loudly, over the deafening noise) “Well, this week’s blog post is going to be a quick one:  Don’t listen to me, because I clearly have no idea what I’m doing!”

I’m kidding, sort of.  But I think it raises a good point.  There is no quick-fix for behaviour challenges, and there is certainly no ‘one size fits all’ approach to parenting.  What works for my children may not work for everyone else’s, and what worked for my two year old doesn’t seem to be doing the trick as we blow out three candles this week.

I’m constantly on the hunt for new tips and tricks for managing different behaviour challenges, and trying to find the balance between trying a new approach and being consistent.  But I’m a stickler for a few things:

1) Manners.  No matter how horrendous your behaviour was on our playdate, you will say “Thank you for having me.”
2) No speaking badly about others.  Yes, he knocked down your tower, and no you don’t have to like it, but there will be no “So-and-so is not my friend anymore, I don’t like him.”  (This doesn’t apply to Mom and Dad though; I’m not naive enough to think I’ll get through all my parenting years without an “I don’t like you!”)
3) Nobody goes to bed angry.  No matter what kind of day we’ve had, it will end with a story and a cuddle–for as long as they’ll let me, anyway!

What are the hard and non-negotiable rules in your house?

My toddler has picked up a couple of choice phrases at daycare that drive me crazy!  How do I get him to stop saying them?

Whether your little ones have come home from daycare with a phrase you don’t especially like, or your older ones have been introduced to more ‘colourful’ words at school, the time will come when you need to figure out how to get these words out of your house (and preferably before Grandma and Grandpa come to visit!)

With the younger ones, it’s best to ignore these little surprise phrases completely.  If they’re coming home with things like “I hate….” or “That’s stupid,” let them know that you don’t understand those words and to try again.  Too late? Does your child already know he can get a rise out of you by saying “I’m a bad boy”?  Stop reacting to it and he’ll soon get bored.  (If you’re embarrassed, you can quietly mutter to the other playgroup moms that he picked up that little gem from the neighbour’s 10 year old cousin.)

Nanny Carrie’s Tip: With the older kids, make a game of it.  Establish which words are not acceptable and let them patrol each other.  If one child hears another using the forbidden word, he’s allowed to choose a chore for his sibling (and of course they’ll have fun assigning jobs for Mom and Dad if they break the rules as well!)

I know I have to say ‘No’ to my child when he misbehaves, but how can I make sure I’m getting in enough positive reinforcement?

Do the math:  The goal is always to praise a child more than you discipline them–but how much more?  Three?  Four times as much?  That means for every 10 corrections (“Don’t hit your brother!”  “Chew with your mouth closed!”) You’re trying to find 30-40 positive things to say!  It can be a pretty big goal to work towards, so look for all the little opportunities (“Thank you for putting your shoes away.”  “I like the way you’re speaking to your sister.”)

See positive reinforcement in action:  As a rule, I know if I’ve had to say “No” more than 3 times in 5 minutes then it is time to change my game.  When my kids are acting up the most, that’s when they need to hear the most praise from me.  But boy, can it be hard to find something positive to say in the middle of a temper tantrum!  Try digging up some old examples:  “Remember yesterday when you did all your chores without being asked and then you got a sticker?  That was awesome, wasn’t it?  I was so proud of you!”

Nanny Carrie’s Tip: Do away with apologies.  Instead of asking your child to say “I’m sorry for hitting,” or “I won’t use bad words anymore,” get them to focus on the positive.  “Next time I’ll be more gentle,” or “I’m going to use my best manners.”  It gives them something constructive to work towards instead of focusing on what they did wrong.

At what age should I expect my child to dress independently for outdoor play?  Even as an adult I find winter wear bulky and awkward.  How can I expect my child to figure it out?

I was chatting with a teacher friend the other day and she said, “Forget chocolates and coffee shop gift cards, the best gift you can give your child’s teacher is to teach them to put on their own snow suits!”  Apparently this ranks pretty high when you have twenty 5 year olds to get ready for recess!

-You have to start somewhere.  Before tackling bulky snowsuits, give them something that’s easy to master to build up their confidence.  Pyjama pants and track pants are the easiest place to start.  Put on the neck of shirts for them but let them figure out the arms on their own.  (Trying to do the neck independently can create a bit of panic when heads get lost inside.)

-Practice independent dressing when there’s a good incentive.  She’s more likely to cooperate if she’s excited about going out to build a snowman rather than hurrying out for a trip to the grocery store.

Nanny Carrie’s Tip: The old flip the coat over the head trick works like a charm.  But for some reason it works best when they see other kids doing it.  Get playdate buddies and pre-school friends to teach them by example.