I’m always mortified when we go out in public and my child throws a temper tantrum. How can I avoid these embarrassing situations without hiring a babysitter every time I need to go shopping?
When I was working as a nanny I have to admit the public meltdowns never really fazed me. I would calmly do my thing but if the tantrum continued, so be it– I wouldn’t give in. I often wondered if I would feel differently when I had my own kids. Suddenly I’m standing in the middle of the book store with this little creature who has thrown himself to the ground sobbing for injustice everywhere—and he belongs to me. Fortunately I haven’t found myself reaching for the dark sunglasses and wig just yet. Here are a few suggestions for managing public temper tantrums and the embarrassment that goes with them.
Keep your cool: The only sound that reverberates louder than a child screaming in a toy store is the mother who is yelling at her to “be quiet.” Keep your response calm. After all, a 4-year-old’s tantrum is not that interesting to listen to, but a frazzled mama who is at her wit’s end is going to draw a much bigger crowd. You won’t always be able to avoid a tantrum but your audience will be impressed if you are able to keep a level head in spite of it.
Play fair: Imagine if you were in the bookstore reading the back cover of a novel and suddenly you’re dragged out of the store by your arm mid-sentence. Give your child the same courtesy you would expect for yourself. If she’s playing nicely when it’s time to leave the store/park/playdate, give her a warning. I find a 2-minute warning followed by a “One last turn (on the slide etc.) before we go” usually give us the smoothest transition.
Nanny Carrie’s Tip: I’m all for a bit of bribery in the right situation but if you set out with “If you behave I’ll give you…..” then everyone’s going to be disappointed when the trip is a bust, including you. Instead, wait for a successful outing and end it with ‘I’d like to take you for an ice cream because you did such a wonderful job waiting patiently in the shop this morning without making any fuss!’ An unexpected reward will make a longer lasting impression because she will be delighted to have made you so proud rather than expecting a treat in exchange for good behaviour.
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Before I headed into any store I let my kids know exactly what was expected of them. I also made sure that I was not going at nap time and that they were fed before I went into any grocery store. While we were sitting in the car I would tell them what store we were at, why we were there and that I was only buying what was on my list (sometimes my “list” was an old grocery receipt but they didn’t know that). I also told them that I was not buying anything for them at the checkouts but if they were well behaved they could each pick out a cereal/cracker etc. (whatever I needed). If they stepped out of line once, that was it, no pick. I was always very strict about behaviour but still made shopping a time to chat, be together and have a friendly time. My tone and mood changed quickly any time I thought some nonsense was about to happen and I was scary. As my children got older it was a priviledge to grab things on the shelf for me and put it in the cart. At the check out if they were good, I would offer them to pick a Kit Kat or gum or something that we would all share and have a little piece each. Somtimes I would let them open whatever cereal they picked and have a handful in the car on the way home.
I notice that most kids who are “losing it” shopping have been pushed past their shopping limit or are just plain hungry or thirsty. Kids should always shop on an full stomach, groceries can make any hungry person cranky. If it’s a shopping excursion, you need to sit down and have something to eat and drink. Be prepared to leave soon after, shopping is boring and hard work for tired/overstimulated kids of any age.
If the child is little, a cracker to snack on and a drink in hand is always a priority. If they are really little, a bottle, a change and out the door right away is your best bet.
If your child is just being a plain pain, leave and head straight home. Let them know you are leaving because they are acting up and that when you get home they are going straight to their rooms while you decide what punishment they are getting for embarassing both of you with their behaviour. You’ll only have to do that once.
There is nothing worse than the “idle threat” parent. This is the laziest type of parenting and it creates the child who nags nags nags because they know nothing will come of it and they will eventually get their way. Don’t get into the habit of buying and bribing, kids learn bad habits fast. Take the time to teach them what you want from them and be fair, not too controlling and not too indulging. Be prepared to do as promised and your child will be someone you really enjoy being with.
I agree so many parents don’t communicate and give their children the respect they would to another companion.
Telling them what to expect is key.
Great post!
I completely agree with both of these responses! Enabling parents are so frustrating to watch..ergg! But I suppose we all have our days…
I have to say that in my opinion, children who act up in the store’s usually have an underlying issue and probably shouldn’t be there in the first place. I have only ever had an incident with each of my children one time. Each one at about 2-3 years has thrown a tantrum in the store, and as soon as it started, I scooped them up and we left our shopping and went home. They and I learned that there is nothing that urgent at the store that we need to stress each other out. I can honestly say, I only had to do it once. I wish more people would be aware of thier children’s needs and realize that shopping is best done when everyone is happy.