I was miraculously alone in my car the other day tuned into CBC, hoping to catch the dreamy voice of long- time crush, Jian Ghomeshi.
Being interviewed was Shane Earle, Mount Cashel Orphanage survivor. Something he said really resonated with me: the way we live each day as an adult is a constant reaction to how we were treated as a child.
That really spoke to me – although the majority of our years are spent as an adult, those childhood years are with us always. We carry those around with us day in and day out. Sadly, the weight of those years can be very heavy for some people.
I want the weight of their childhood years to be very light for my adult children. It got me to thinking – how am I treating my children to contribute to them being at peace as adults? I started a mental list and will share two simple ways that I think are significant. They are both little things that I hope make my kids feel like they are the top dogs in my life. Here are my two bits of advice:
1) Be excited to see them.
Whether the kids are walking in from school or I’m picking them up from Cubs, I always look ridiculously excited to see them. Sometimes I have to fake it – sometimes I wish they were gone for another hour, but they don’t need to know that. I vividly remember my own mom’s face every time we came home from school. She looked as though she was eagerly waiting to be re-united with us. Man, it made me feel good.
2) Don’t be late picking them up.
It is a very rare occasion that I would be even a couple of minutes late to pick up my kids. I feel like being late is sending them a message: I was so preoccupied with my work or other activity that I forgot about you. Being on time tells them that they are my first priority.
Sure, they are small, but as a child those things made me feel really valued. And as Shane Earle said, how we are treated as a child has a tremendous impact on our adult lives. I hope those little things will give them confidence and they will go into adulthood knowing their worth.
So, how do you treat your kiddos? What tips and tricks do you have to help lighten the load for your adult children?
RSS
Always see the best in them.
Your kids are small, but as they get older they are going to do things that disappoint you, and you’ll be shocked at.
I have learned that instead of judging their mistakes, to see the best in them and help guide them to better choices. Let them know that you believe in them and making mistakes is okay, as long as they learn from them.
But no matter what mistake they make you’re still going to be there. Teens may be almost adults, but they still need parents just as much as when they were little.
Simple, yet profound. Thanks, Julie!
The late thing? One day I was picking up my daughter from SK and I wasn’t actually late, but the teacher lets them go about 5 minutes before the bell, so as not to get all mixed up in the fray of after-school craziness. I was the last parent there. My daughter was standing there holding the teacher’s hand. “Why weren’t you here waiting, Mommy?” I felt horrible!!
Thanks for the post. It’s a good reminder. Those little things stay with us forever.
I can totally relate to #2. We were almost always among the last to be picked up. It made me feel unwanted and unimportant. I still am working on not freaking out on my husband if he’s late to pick me up because of what happened in my childhood.
I can’t remember my mum ever being really excited to see me. And I remember often times when mum or dad was late picking me up. You do feel unimportant and like a nuisance because they didn’t seem to have time for you.
I am now 39 and only recently, through counselling, have realised that a lot of my issues stem from me not feeling valued or valuable. I think there is a direct relationship between these underlying feelings and how I was raised by my parents.
I now have two children of my own – 5years and 18months. I so want to be a different mum to them. I tell them I love them every day, give them lots of cuddles and positive encouragement. But I also feel like I’m not a good mum, because I find it hard to value myself and I am also very self-critical. I believe this goes back to how I was raised and how this trained me to think of myself. It is sooooo hard to overcome this training. But the more I understand my past I think the better I am starting to feel about ME.
Thank you for taking the time to share this with the world. I have long been an advocate for creating positive life experiences for children.
love the post. it’s so important to remember that stuff. at this point i still find it easy because there’s just one of him and he’s so little (and so darn cute), i often think about it and how i hope i’ll remember to continue doing all the things that make him feel important and adored even when he’s a grubby 7 year old with worms in his pockets or a sulky 15 year old!
Beautifully said Julie.
I agree, it’s the little things that count. My biggest hope, if I am doing nothing else right, is that I am raising my girls to be happy and confident, to know they are loved and to know their own worth.
Luckily, I adore my girls and love spending time with them. I am truly happy to see them whenever they get home or I am picking them up. Yes, even my teenager.
I TRY not to be late picking them up…not always successful..and hope they know that if I am late it was unavoidable.
I am also doing my best to let my kids know that they are loved, even if they aren’t perfect and even if they make mistakes. I do not have an “agenda” for them, or an idea of who/what they should be. That is for them to figure out. But, I am there to support them every step of the way.
Thanks for a great post, Julie. And, based on what I have seen, you must be doing an amazing job!
OK – this feedback is amazing….totally supports that it is those little things – particularly hearing from those of you who were late to be picked up as kids, etc. We can tell our kids we love them, but I guess our actions really have to show them – and by doing little things everyday. Thanks for such great comments. I really appreciate your input.
My mother never missed a single one of my school Halloween parades. At the time, I didn’t think it was important that she was there for all of them (sometimes having to significantly alter her work schedule or trade break periods with some of her other teachers), and I never realized the struggle she must have had to make those arrangements to be there… I didn’t realize the difficulties she must have had until now, now that I am a parent as well, and I am making those deals and schedule shifts to not miss a single parade for my son… He may not appreciate it now, but some day he may understand how important he was to me, and that even the littlest things were huge to me.
Two things that I tell and do with my kiddies which hopefully let them know that they are important to me are:
1) I tell my son everyday that he is my “best boy!” and luckily I can tell my daughter that she is my “best girl!”. They are the best, the best gift I could have ever been given.
Funny enough they now tell me that I am their “best Momma”. I think it is important to tell them, take the time amongst our busy days to just say “Your The Best!”.
2) I can not resist when my kids ask me to snuggle with them at night. My husband is the same way and we often fall asleep and leave many things unfinished but I can not imagine the day when they tell me “no thanks” when I ask them if I can cozy up and fall asleep with them. I know this day is coming but for now while they are 3 and 6 I will spend my nights curled up with them.
Little Miss Bossi
Thanks for reminding us how important those things are!
In high school I lived overseas as an Exchange Student for a year, and my host mom came home everyday from work and spent a couple of minutes one on one with each of her daughters (including me) to give them a kiss, chat, say hi and see how everyone’s day was. No doubt she was exhausted, she worked long days and was a single mom raising 4 daughters plus having me hanging around for a few months…but that effort made such an impression on me. It’s something that I try to do every day for my guys.