Last week on October 15th, many mamas were lighting candles in remembrance. That day has been designated as National Pregnancy Loss & Infant Loss Awareness Day.
I had a miscarriage soon after my first child was born. My loss was accompanied with some guilt too – finding out I was pregnant while having a newborn left me horrified. I quickly adjusted to the thought of my “Irish Twins” and was devastated when I miscarried. Then came the guilt – how could I have initially greeted this pregnancy with such little enthusiasm? Guilt and being a mama – a match made in hell.
Almost 10 years has passed since that time but there are two occasions when I am particularly reminded about it:
1) When I see my friend who had a similar due date. Her little girl will be turning nine-years-old next month. I should have someone turning nine next month.
2) When filling out the paperwork in subsequent pregnancies, you are required to record how many live births you have had, and also how many pregnancies. My numbers don’t match. I get shivers thinking about the mamas out there whose numbers REALLY don’t add up, and by a long shot. Just can’t imagine having to write down: pregnancies: 8 / live births: 0
I often think about the mamas who have lost full-term babies or babies during the first year of life. I wonder what happens when they are innocently asked “so, how many kids do you have?”
I think that must be a torturous question – the answer could either make you feel you are not acknowledging your lost child, or alternatively, you have to explain the painful experience to every stranger who is making small talk.
I had a teacher in high school who was raising two daughters, five years apart in age. She had lost her middle daughter, who was severely disabled, after several years of caring for her three girls. She often had people comment to her: “two kids, five years apart in age – what an easy way to do it!”
Little did they know.
I hope that this Day of Remembrance tells the world that mama is entitled to her grief – no matter what form it takes or how long it lasts, which is often a lifetime. So, on this day let us remember our losses. In some ways for many mamas, it is a day like no other – a day that we love and miss our children.
RSS
I agree. Too many. I get the same shivers at the doctor’s office. We lost our first child to a stillbirth. When asked the question of how many children, I still answer 2 – one in heaven and one with us. I feel that is the best way that I can remember our daughter.
Hugs to you. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for posting this Julie. It’s something I hope to never experience. We thought we had, and that was bad enough…my heart goes out to all these mamas.
Thank for posting this and sharing your experience. I think there are so many women out there who remain silent about their losses (likely because of society’s negative take on it – the view that loss during pregnancy isn’t a “real” loss).
My two living children are over 6 years apart, but not by choice. I lost 3 babies during pregnancy before finally being able to keep one through medical (extra hormones every 12hrs for 3 months) and non-medical (hypnotherapy, putting my career on hold) means.
When people ask me how many kids I have, I tend to answer “2 living children”. Then if they have the time/inclination to hear about my angels, they can ask and if not, move on to another topic of small talk.
I’m glad that loss awareness is starting to get out there more over time.
~krismom
P.S. I’ve created a few free graphics for pregnancy & infant loss awareness, you can get the codes on this page: http://www.kstardesign.com/blinkies/blinkies_lossawareness.html
Thanks so much for sharing your stories. I think this day is a huge step – imagine living in the days when mothers were supposed to carry on as though nothing had happened….
(it was requested that I comment about this here, and it in no way is intended to minimize the loss that others have suffered.)
Another segment of women, who are filled with shame and regret, also mourn on this remembrance day. Women who silently bear the burden of missing a child whose life they chose to end in abortion. It is a deep shame.
When women speak of their children who have been lost to miscarriage and stillbirth, SIDS, or post-birth illnesses and accidents.. many women who have had abortions understand that loss too. Many continue to carry on as if nothing had happened, because they face shock, fury, rejection, and a host of other possible responses if they dare to acknowledge the fact that they too feel pain.
Please be gentle with anyone that ever shares their regret over their decision, and know that it was an incredibly difficult thing to share with you. It is a different loss, it’s true, but for those who do regret it and feel the loss, it is just as real as anyone else’s loss.
Thank you, Julie, for the invitation to write about this here.
THANK YOU for sharing that….I do feel like that was an oversight on my part…..it is a loss and no one is in a position to judge someone’s right to grieve….there is no hierarchy of grief. Another oversight that a mama mentioned to me is how it feels when an adoption falls through….a different kind of loss, but the loss of having a child in your life who was supposed to be there…..
I extend my appreciation to you for touching upon this subject matter and the significances of a very deep and profound loss which is experienced by families’ world wide. I am the aunt to Riley Joseph, who I was to adopt. Riley was born still September 26th, 2003. He was full term and perfect aside from the fact that he never had the opportunity to take his first breath. As a result of my family’s loss and as part of my healing journey I founded the Bear Care Campaign and the Canadian Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Awareness and Remembrance Campaign. I successfully lobbied the New Brunswick Government to recognize October 15th to be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. New Brunswick is the first province in Canada to declare Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. One may think these to be great victories, which they are, but they are minimal compared to the work which is set before me. It is interesting how a loss which is often marginalized in everyday society can touch an individual so deeply as to spur them into advocacy and enables them to touch the world for the greater good of all humanity. Thank you Julie for your bravery is sharing this with the world!!!
how beautifully said, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this precious subject, Julie