As some of you know, my oldest kid has autism. We take this autism stuff pretty seriously and as a result he has made remarkable gains. Indeed, to the untrained eye he is indistinguishable from his neuro-typical peers.
Last weekend four of the kiddos did a triathlon. When “Number One Son” finished the running component too early, it was obvious he got confused somewhere along the way. Turns out he went around the wrong pylon cutting the run short.
That evening my 8-year-old daughter came into my office to have a chat about her brother:
Kid: “Why did he get confused in the run today?”
Me: “Well, there were no marshalls directing the kids so he went around the first pylon and came back.”
Kid: “What is his ‘diagnostics’? I heard talking about it at a meeting once.”
Me: “Was it the Autism Ontario meeting?”
Kid: “Yes”
Me: “Well, uh, autism. But he has worked pretty hard and kind of outgrown it.”
Kid: “Like I outgrew my milk allergy?”
Me: “Yes, kind of.”
Kid: “Does he still have autism?”
Me: “Do you think he does?”
Kid: “I think he still has it a little bit.”
Me: “Yeah, I think you’re right. Listen, I have not talked to him about it yet so you need to keep this private until I speak to him about autism.”
Kid: “no problem.”
Me: “Thanks for being such a cool kid.”
Kid: “you’re welcome. Can I have a cheese stick?”
Although I was shocked that the conversation happened, it’s actually kind of weird that it took so long to come up. I mean, we have an autism logo on our car, we do Cycle for Autism, hang out with people whose kids have autism, and participate in all kinds of activities within the autism community. Didn’t they ever wonder?
I got to wondering about their lack of wondering – do all the siblings and cousins know about his autism on some level but just not question it? Maybe it’s a kiddo case of “it is what it is”.
My mother often reminds us of the time she sat us down as children to discuss her sister, who has a mental disability. Mom first asked us if we knew anyone with a mental disability. We rhymed off the names of kids at school, a neighbour and other random people who did not actually have a mentally disability. The one name we didn’t say was that of our aunt, and this was an aunt we were close to and saw regularly. My mom always says that to us, our aunt was just herself – no title, label or explanation necessary.
I’ve been dreading the day when I have to “out” my son to himself. I’ve played the conversation in my head a thousand times. This incident got me thinking that maybe all this worry is for nothing – maybe he is just like his siblings and cousins and already knows and accepts his autism.
RSS
Remarkable. I could hardly read the last third through my tears.
Nicely handled Julie. I wondered the same thing about the acceptence of all things autism surrounding the siblings. I mean there were therapists in and out of the home for years and siblings were a part of many sessions. But it seems to be a common thing. It’s not strange when it just is. I guess we will have to be a little more subtle when referencing eldest child at the meetings.
Beautiful Julie!
Our challenge as parents,is not, how to answer the questions our children ask, but to find out what exactly the child is asking. Great job mom!
The real question is….did she get her cheese stick?!? : )
love your writing…I would buy the book!
Thanks for sharing that moment!
Sounds like you’re doing a fabulous job for a conversation like that to happen in the first place!
wow…well it certainly sounds like you did an awesome job handling it! i love how you turned it around on her and asked her what she thought. some parents would have launched into an extensive medical lecture but you gave her the time to show that she just wanted a little basic information. that’s great.
i’m taking notes over here! your approach could really serve well in so many different kid conversations!
You handled it very well Julie…great job! Kids are really so accepting.
My kid is ‘quirky’ in just the same way I was (and still am). He’s just starting 1st grade and I’ve already been asked to explain him, to get him analyzed and ironed out. I think the school we’re in is one of the best in the area this way, but still I wish we could just be accepted in exactly the way you describe in your article!