October 26th, 2008
Written by: Julie Cole
I had a speaking engagement this weekend at the Healthy Kids Expo in Toronto. The headline speaker was that Dr. Oz fellow who has a regular gig on Oprah. Needless to say, I was not the headline but Dr. Oz aside, there didn’t seem to be much of a draw at all – the show was disappointingly quiet. Interesting to note, however, that in the conference hall next door was the “Everything About Sex” show. By contrast, it was packed out despite the 25 bucks-a-head cover charge. Clearly when folks have the choice between information about healthy families or healthy sex lives, the latter wins hands down!
Many assume that when we’re talking about healthy kids it’s all about eating well and getting exercise. I think we get all that so my focus was on being happy and balanced mamas. I assured everyone that they were doing great if they were not pouring that first glass of wine before 5:00pm.
Mamas must make decisions that will make them happy because there is serious trickle down effect in families. No one is happy if mama is not happy. I think for mama to be happy she needs a healthy dose of self-awareness that drives her decision-making process. I think there are two situations where this is particularly true.
1) The decision about how many babies to have. Everyone willingly imposes their opinions on this topic – you should have more, less, closer together, further apart. But this is a decision no one should influence, even daddy-o to a certain extent. If daddy-o is pushing for another kid, while his input is welcomed, you need to consider whose life will actually be impacted. Let’s face it, there’s one person whose life is going to change completely, and it isn’t his! Ignore what your friends are doing and what your family is expecting. Take on one baby or take on eight – but only take on what you want to.
2) The decision about whether to stay at home with the kids or head back to the rate race. Many mamas don’t have a choice in the matter, but for those who do there needs to be some time for self-reflection. You may delight in years at home with small children, or you may feel like poking your eyeballs out half way through your first maternity leave. For the mama with the bleeding eyeballs, going back to work may be the best choice for all. There are countless amazing mothers who never stay home with their kids. So you need to shut out those outside voices and do what works for you. You may even have to shush an inner voice that may be nagging you saying “but shouldn’t I want to be home?”
As my wise and childless-by-choice sister often says: in life, we are the authors of our own books. For mamas, however, our books have an impact on some little novels that are still in the early chapters. We all want more than just a happy ending – we want happy words on every single happy page. The trick is figuring out for ourselves what is going to create that happiness so that we can share it with our families. For right now, it’s looking at the clock and seeing that 5:00pm is long gone and pouring myself a glass of wine. Cheers to us!
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October 19th, 2008
Written by: Julie Cole
I spent the morning at the pumpkin patch with four of my five kiddos. There were many families there spending the sunny autumn day together. Most families looked pretty nuclear – a mom and dad with a kid or two. Often when I rock up to places alone with a handful of kids I get the ‘wow, you’re brave’ look from by-standers. I don’t think people realize that it is all relative and comes down to what you are used to – stress levels for me to take four of five out would be no different to what they were a couple years ago when I’d take out two or three.
But seeing all those families spending the day together as a family unit did remind me that when you have a bigger family, you often have to split up for certain activities based on a number of different circumstances. We call this the “divide and conquer”. Today was a common case – our youngest had a fever so daddy-o stayed home with him while I took the others out for an adventure.
As we sat on the tractor awaiting arrival to our pumpkin patch destination, I asked the kiddos to remind me of our pumpkin picking rule. In unison the four little voices said “we can only pick a pumpkin that we can carry ourselves”. Many parents had a laugh and recognized that it was a sensible rule since I was on my own. I boarded the tractor for the return leg entirely empty handed while one set of eager parents were each loaded down with two huge pumpkins for their one and only darling. Perhaps if I had not been alone, I would have allowed for bigger pumpkins, but I seem to recall that this has been a long standing pumpkin picking rule of thumb, whether or not daddy-o is present.
A couple of weeks ago I had a more complex divide and conquer moment when one kid had her first hockey game, another his first cross country running meet and I was running late for a flight. We had to involve a third party in this one, namely the reliable grandmother known affectionately by all as Nan.
The divide and conquer philosophy spills into chores and errands as well. If daddy-o is heading out to the grocery store, he knows there is no going empty handed – a car seat or two better be occupied because you don’t do anything without a couple of little tag-alongs.
I remember feeling very sad at one divide and conquer moment when someone had to be taken to the hospital. It must have been a few kids ago because I remember feeling a bit fragile and wondering if I could manage it on my own, but I knew that both of us taking one child to the hospital made no practical sense at all.
I have come a long way since that time. When I was heading in for my last c-section I considered telling daddy-o that I’d just run myself down to the hospital because it would be easier if he just stayed home to manage the home front.
So while it can be difficult juggling who is taking whom to soccer, hockey or the birthday party and we sometimes quibble over who will stay home with a napper while the others head off to the park, I’m reminded of something my Aunt Sheila said at her daughter’s wedding in June that assures me that all this hard work is worth it. Aunt Sheila noted that families and sports teams are very similar -the teams that work the hardest always gain the most. Here’s hoping she’s right because it is something that gets me through some very tough days!
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October 12th, 2008
Written by: Julie Cole
I love going around the table and hearing what the kids are thankful for. The big kids are a bit boring because they know what they should be thankful for so give all the standard answers such as family and good health. The little kiddos come out with the real zingers. It appears the small children in my family are most thankful for ice cubes, band aids, chairs, cactus and shelves. Yes, they have charmed lives indeed!
I’ve been recently working on an article about how motherhood can sometimes regress into a culture of complaining. Easily done – and entire group of humans who are sleep deprived and whose lives are no longer their own. Admittedly, I’m not a big complainer. I was raised by a non-complainer and it worked well for our family. I figure if I complained more, people would listen less and I quite enjoy feeling like my voice is heard.
Recently Mabel’s Labels was involved with an online blog auction to raise funds for some mamas who have really come into some tough times. When I heard about their situations, it really drove home that we mamas who are complaining about being tired and carrying a bit of extra baby weight are pretty darned lucky.
The first mama is Carol Decker from Washington. She battled a devastating infection, resulting in the emergency c-section of her second daughter. Immediately following the cesarean, Carol had both legs amputated blow the knee, as well as her left hand. Oh, and she’s also blind now. The medical bills are astronomical.
The second mama happens to be a fellow mama blogger named Stephanie Nielson. She and her husband were recently in a private plane crash. Stephanie has burns on over 80% of her body. She has no less than four small children.
Not to be a downer on this Canadian Thanksgiving, but it sheds a bit of perspective on it all. So this year I am thankful for being tired, not having ‘me time’, and feeling a bit bloated after all the turkey I’ve had.
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October 5th, 2008
Written by: Julie Cole
We just dragged our Mabel display and other assorted bits and pieces back from a conference to our Quebec City hotel in the rain. Sitting now in the hotel room, I can reflect on a couple of self-realizations I made during my week of on-again/off-again travel.
The first is a bit morbid, but I don’t think I’m alone in saying I fret over what would happen to my kids if I was no longer around to do the job. Fair enough. The thought of not being around to raise our kids makes us mamas a bit antsy.
While flying to NYC last Tuesday, I was struck by the thought of what would happen if the plane went down. I had only left a one page list of instructions because it was only a 24 hour absence. An eternal absence would require an entire manual and during that hour long flight I had it written in my head. Death must never be far from the minds of mamas. Just yesterday someone on my trusty local mama message board (www.momstown.ca) posted on the topic of appointing guardians for your kiddos in the case of the unmentionable happening. I was impressed with myself having sorted out those details nine years ago when I was expecting my first baby. We have never re-visited the arrangement with the “chosen ones”, but it could explain why they never want me and daddy-o travelling together by plane, driving in the same car, eating in the same restaurants, etc. It’s like we are the Royal Family or the Kennedys – except really loud and messy. And while the two of us falling off the perch simultaneously may not cause political disaster, it could turn our guardians’ peaceful household into something like a “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” episode, but without the free tummy tuck and behind the scenes help.
The second realization was that when I’m away from my kiddos, I will go to great lengths to get back to them as soon as humanly possible. The show in NYC was set to wrap up at 3:00pm. I was booked for a 7:30pm flight which provided ample time to pack up the display and grab a bite in the city before heading to the airport. I chose an alternative route. Instead, I packed up the show in record time and got to the airport for a 4:30pm flight – a whole three hours sooner than originally booked. Pretzels on the plane make for a fine dinner when it means getting home to my babies sooner.
When it comes to seeing my kids after being away, I’m like a horse when it sees the barn. My pace picks up and as I get closer, I am in full gallop. It reminds me of when I was in law school and my very first baby was in the campus daycare for two days a week. The idea was that in between my classes, I would go to the library and study. The sad reality was that in between classes I would head over to the daycare to hang out with my baby. While actually in a lecture, I would think about what he was doing – which wasn’t much since he was only a few months old. As I would approach the daycare after class, I would start to run as soon as it was in sight. OK, he was my first baby and things would likely have been a bit different with the others, but that became my first and last daycare experience. My kids may have been cut out for daycare, but I clearly was not.
Of course it’s all very irrational, since after I’m home for five minutes and everyone is shouting “mama!” I wonder what the big rush to get back was. And yet, I’m just off the phone with the airline and nothing is available until my scheduled flight in the morning. Guess I’ll have to suffer with a night of uninterrupted sleep and room service!
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