Everyone wants to know if and when you are going to have a baby. The question is first asked the day you return from your honeymoon and continues to be asked until there is something growing in your uterus. As soon as that thing is out of your uterus, the questions start coming about when the next little human will be taking up residency there. We’ve all had to field the questions, particularly Mommas who are of…..ummm….let’s say advancing age. Clearly, these are the cruelest of questions for someone dealing with fertility issues.
I found that after my fourth kid, the questions stopped. It is abundantly clear in our society that if you have four, you MUST be done. Strangely, after my fifth baby the questions started up again. I suppose the theory would be that if you are going to have five, why not one or two more?
I seem to be lacking that ‘gene’ that women generally have that notifies them they are ‘done’. I muddle through some sort of non-committal answer every time. If my Mother or MIL are within earshot, they perk up hoping to hear me scream out “I’m done!”
After the week I just had I am left thinking that maybe, gene or no gene, some practical decisions need to be made. Three events occurred that turned my brain to this topic. First off, some of the results came in from a study on the siblings of children with autism. Basically, bad news all round….the numbers of siblings also getting diagnosed with autism is higher than anyone anticipated. So, since my Number One Son has autism, looks like we’ve just managed to dodge that bullet by dumb luck with the four others. Do I want to chance having to go through all of this autism stuff again? It’s exhausting enough to have gone through it once.
Next up, my baby cousin is expecting her first child. She is 10 years younger than me. Maybe I’m just getting too old! I had never considered that before, but my baby cousin is pregnant!!
Finally, a dear friend had a beautiful baby last week with some serious complications that will impact their lives forever. I am in awe of my brave friend and in love with her beautiful baby. But, it’s gonna be a hard road. Really hard. Forever.
So I’m driving home from the hospital after having a great visit with my friend and it strikes me: Maybe, just maybe I’m being a little bit greedy here.
I had never thought about it in those terms before. We always equate motherhood with selflessness, but perhaps that could be up for debate. Maybe I should be happy with what I have and start giving a good, solid, confident answer of “NEVER” the next time someone asks when number six is going to arrive. I may have to practice a few times in front of the mirror first. Even though there are options like adoption out there, the decision to retire one’s uterus is a big one, and one this Mabel Momma struggles with.
RSS
Every Mama has to make the right decision for themselves and their immediate family…..(not grandparents!!) so who knows if you are done Julie….you never know, you might have a big moment that makes you really want another baby to carry around. You have bauetiful monkeys so one more would add to the fun and love your family gives. I know i’m not done, but i have to convince my hubby that he isn’t done either!
Good luck to everyone that has to make this decision at some point.
What Ali said. Only you (and your husband) can know what the right answer is for you and your family. The hardest thing about it is that there is sometimes more than one right answer!
Now I gotta cancel the Tyandaga M.I.T.H. pool.
Ha! That’s funny….a pool about whether I’d have another! Depending on the stakes, it could effect my decision
Hi Julie,
I want to say that you have a beautiful family and I admire you and the way you feel about having a big family. I have 3 kids and am newly pregnant with twins. I am terrified out of my mind and wonder if this is the right thing to go through with this pregnancy or will it adversley affect my other 3 kids. I wish you can shed some light on how you manage your little brood. I am so scared.
Dear friend hopes you don’t make that decision based on her situation! So far no regrets…
Sometimes I felt guilty for wanting a fourth kid. Sort of selfish, when it can be so hard for some to have even one, and when there are needy children in the world. It was complex, but I really did want to go through it all again, and I did.
However, my husband was never truly up to a fourth. I caution women: if you have to do so much “convincing”, maybe your man just isn’t ready for that. And a man that isn’t really on board with it isn’t going to be too supportive.