We got some pretty bad news about Pa. He has cancer and things are not looking great. So on top of being sad and having a husband who is pretty much a basket-case, looming overhead was the overwhelming and inevitable question of how to deal with the kids.
I decided to look for guidance through my trusty message board of local moms. Someone out there would surely have some sage advice. I was shocked by two things.
Revelation #1: I got SO many amazing responses from parents who have already been down this nasty road. The support was incredible. I don’t know why it always shocks me since that has always been my experience, but I couldn’t help marvel that these very busy women took time (that I know they don’t have) to help me out with this.
Revelation #2: My instincts about dealing with kids and cancer were ALL WRONG! I fancy myself as having pretty good guts with this parenting stuff, but I couldn’t have been more off base. I was thinking I’d just be a rock, and I’d peer pressure Simon into being the same way. Turns out this is wrong on so many levels. Hmmm, who’da thunk it?
So today was the day that I dropped the bomb. I did a decent job of it…..explaining what cancer is, how it’s treated, what Pa will have to go through, inviting them to ask any questions, explaining that the grown-ups might seem sad or worried….you know the drill.
The question period started. Expecting a newly seven-year-old Posy to be my tough customer, I prepped diligently. I was a bit sweaty in the brow at the start of the round, but I was ready for her. Heck, I had even done research so she was not going to stump this prepared Momma. The Q&A opened with a predictable “is he going to die?” to which I applied my well rehearsed answer. The questions kept coming at me, shooting from every direction. I was on fire, fielding them all with style and grace.
One of her questions reminded me that there was one huge omission: you have to tell kids they won’t catch cancer from their loved one. Phew, since I was not reading off my ‘How To Tell Your Kids About Pa’s Cancer” info sheet, I missed what is considered to be one of the biggies. Q&A period provided great opportunity for any missed tidbits.
I was not expecting my eldest to come up with anything too hard to tackle. He has autism so sometimes this tricky stuff goes over with a little more ease. Turns out, I was not off the hook. Mack comes out with “so we can’t catch it like we can a cold, but Pa has DNA and he’s our Pa so does that mean we have the same cancer DNA?”
DNA? Why does he know about DNA? Has he been getting up late at night to watch CSI re-runs? How could I have possibly prepared for that one?!
I expect that as hard as I try to prepare for this journey with my family, I can only do so much planning and prepping. Some of the kid questions are going to be too hard, since I’ll be asking a lot of the same questions myself.
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Julie, how awful it is that you have to experience this. And how lucky your children are for having such a caring mom to go to the trouble of breaking it down for them in manageable pieces and being there to listen.
You’re sure to be of great comfort to them.